Owning and Sharing Grief

by Rev. Mark Reed
First Wesleyan Church
Bicknell Indiana

It isn't easy for people to come to a counselor. I do what I can to break the ice and make them feel at ease but it can be an uphill battle - especially in the beginning. Once some small talk has been exchanged, I've found it useful to ask: what brings you here today? It is an invitation to talk about "the problem."

For some folks, talking about their problems is almost like breaking a taboo. Most people I counsel with have some religious background and amazingly, this is often a hindrance rather than a help. Many have gotten the idea that needing someone to talk to indicates they have somehow failed spiritually. As if, being spiritual means not needing others.

The other day I sat across from a person who shared a really terrible situation she is going through. The pain she was living with came through in her tone, her body language, her face... it was palatable, raw and honest. When she finished there was a second of silence as I absorbed the full import of what had been shared and in that heartbeat of silence she became ill at ease. It was like she suddenly caught herself doing something wrong and she quickly began to say things like, "Of course lots of people have it harder than I do," and "I know the Lord is with me in this" and "I hope you don't think less of me."

It makes me sad that we have come to believe that being a "good Christian" mean we go through terrible times without feeling anything. This dear lady was hurting and she deserved and needed validation but, in her mind, she was obviously ashamed of her pain. Like the situation wasn't bad enough, she had to feel remorse for feeling the effects of it! Mind you, she wasn't engaging in self-pity (and so what if she was). She wasn't being self-centered. She wasn't lashing out. She was merely exposing her heart, expressing her weakness and sharing her deep sadness.

I interrupted her attempts to marginalize her pain and said, "Let me tell you what I felt when you were just sharing." And I did just that. I honestly reflected the feelings I had experienced as she had shared her story and as I did she began to weep with relief. It wasn't hard to "get it." It didn't take any specialized training. This was not some technique. It was just being honest and human and open so she could see I wasn't judging her for feeling overwhelmed. This would not be the end point of our work, but it was the beginning point and without it, nothing much could be done.

I wonder how many people feel like that. How many wonder what it means to feel grief. How many are ashamed to feel the blows that life lands on them. How many feel guilty for being confused and in anguish and responsible for being vulnerable. And so we hide behind our "spiritual" clichés.

I don't believe following Christ distances us from suffering. In fact, quite the opposite.

If our religion denies the reality of suffering, its the wrong kind. And yet many use religion for that very end. No wonder Marx called "religion" an opiate! Such religion is for the cowardly or the calloused - not for those who follow the Son of Man.

I am well familiar with Paul's statement about our "light and momentary afflictions." I get it. In context, it is an important point and keeps us from an opposite danger. But I also note that Jesus never used his unique, eternal perspective to minimize suffering experienced by people around him. Death, disease, estranged relationships and so forth, were met with weeping not platitudes. Jesus emotionally acknowledged loss. (The one exception were the two brothers who wanted to embroil Jesus in an inheritance dispute - he wasted no tears or time on materialism or greed. Pay careful attention to what breaks your heart and severs relationships.)

Even on his way to resurrect Lazarus, he stopped to weep with his sisters. Not just a tear or two, he sobbed with them... so much so, that the people acknowledged the depth of his love for them by his weeping. (Given the cultural setting, that would take some crying!) Jesus could have avoided all that messy, exhausting emotional stuff; all he had to do was tell them he was on his way to resurrect their brother. But he did not. He wept.

Sidebar: I have heard some suggest that Jesus wasn't weeping over the loss of Lazarus at all, but over the unbelief of his sisters. Think about it. Jesus is weeping and sobbing and the people say, "Behold how much he loves them." Jesus, with tears still streaming down his checks says, "Love them? I'm crying in frustration and disappointment over them!?" Isn't that a nice picture? Appalling if you ask me!

No, he saw their tears as appropriate because he knew Death would not be silenced by the miracle. Calling Lazarus forth from the tomb was a temporary reprieve not a stay of sentence; eventually the grave clothes would have to be put back on (okay, not he "same" ones, but you see the point.) It was only a delay.

The Buddhist say all life is suffering. I am no Buddhist. There is much joy and celebration in life. There are high moments fit for laughter and mirth. But the reality is, this life brings suffering to us all sooner or later. Sooner for most. Like a splinter beneath a child's fingernail. Ouch! That hurts! The certainty that mother knows how to use tweezers to remove the splinter, does not stop the pain. It does, however, give the hurt child both a sense of direction and a motivation to hurry! So too, the pain of this moment can drive us to the Lord. Thank God however, we don't need to minimize our sorrow or apologize for our confusion. Rejoicing may come with the morning... but sorrow lasts for this present night and it can feel like it will never end. One day he will wipe every tear from our eye... but now the tears may flow unabated... without guilt.

We need to be careful religious beliefs aren't used to deny or marginalize honest responses to what Hamlet called "the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune." Denial is a phase of grief, but I don't think God intends that we use Him as an excuse to bunker down there. If you feel awkward around people who are suffering, beware taking the easy way out for yourself by offering them verses like Romans 8:28. (Some passages are best self-applied.)

When you are with those who suffer, dare to be with them in silence. Words mean much less than being fully present - attending. When they talk, quiet your thoughts so you can listen. To often we strive to formulate a "come back." We feel responsible for "knowing what to say." But simple answers can be an insult to the depth of what they are feeling. Give yourself permission to be silent. Try to understand what they are experiencing. Do not put yourself in their shoes... rather be willing to catch a glimpse of what is like for THEM to be in their shoes. And if tears come to your eyes in the process, let them come. Squelch any sense of self-consciousness - displace it with other-consciousness. Be slow to brush the tears away - feel them and own them. Thank God for them. He designed us this way.

We are broken people - all of us. We need connections with others but we are afraid and uncertain about how to make them. Don't hide behind your faith - rather look to Jesus for an example: Jesus wept and so should we all from time to time.

Finally, not only did Jesus weep with others but he wept for himself. Look at him in the Garden. No stoic there. No stiff upper lip arrogance. He asked his disciples to pray for Him. He wept before the Father. He was in agony and was without shame or pretense. Listening to some people, one can imagine they might scold Jesus for making such a big deal over his "light and momentary affliction."

I can hear them admonish, "Come on Jesus! This is the whole reason you came. You should be rejoicing right now instead of blubbering! Where's your faith? Don't you trust the Father?"

If Jesus wept and agonized over his trial, could we please stop with the nonsense about, "Just trust the Lord," as if that makes it all better. We can bother trust God AND feel the weight of sorrow without contradiction. Jesus did.

That's what I'm thinking tonight.